Mail Order Brides ARE Real!

So... I have recently learned that mail order brides are real. Of course, seeing is believing. Which is why Santa (or insert: Easter bunny, truthful politicians, leprechauns) and I never worked out. And this is how the story goes:

I was eating a very peaceful lunch with my family while a special on Russian mail order brides was on TV. The whole show cracked me up because it was the stereotypical beautiful young Russian woman dating a fat old American looser man via the internet/phone. (If you are having trouble conjuring up the image of the man I am trying to describe, I would like to refer you to the Brad Paisley song: "Online").

These poor Russian women just want a nice man who will start a family with them (and maybe give them credit cards, cars, record deals, and all the other perks of living in America). 20,000 bucks and a few conversations later, the men invite the women to live with them in America. Then the fun really begins bada-bing bada-boom. The men have 9 months to marry the women or else they are deported back.

After the men marry the women, the relationship normally goes one of two ways: the American pervy man beats his wife until she dies because she is repulsed by him or the pervy man and Russian woman live happily ever after.

Needless to say, I stopped watching the show because I thought it was pathetic (moment of truth: I will sit through episodes of jersey shores...which is also pathetic but in a deeper and douchier way). But wouldn't you know, I was in my local victoria's secret when a nice Russian woman came up to me and asked me if I needed help. Let my eyes be set a flame! It was the same woman on the TV who was in the second situation above, where she didn't die. While my mind was trying to overcome the shock of the reality before me, I was also trying to figure out a way to ask her if she could confirm that she was in fact a mail order bride. Lucky for her, my mind was not quick enough or slick enough to figure this out. So I had to settle for the: "I think I know you from somewhere" routine. Sure enough, I got enough information out of her to confirm that mail order brides do exist. Success!